How to make a memory box for someone who died

Choose one sturdy box that will last for years, and put in only the things that bring them back: the sweater that still smells like him, a grocery list in her handwriting, the keys from his coat pocket. Ten things is plenty. Write down why each one is in there — that's the part nobody else can fill in later.

What a memory box actually is

A memory box is a real box with real things in it, belonging to someone who isn't here anymore. Not a scrapbook, not an archive. What makes it different from the photos on your phone is that you can pick this up: the weight of it, the fabric, a smell that catches you the second the lid comes off.

That's also the hard part. Some days opening the box is exactly right, and some days it isn't possible at all. You don't have to open it often for it to be worth having. Knowing it's somewhere in the house is usually enough.

What to put in a memory box

Don't go looking for the most important objects. Go looking for the ones that sound the most like him, or like her. Those are rarely the expensive ones.

• Something with a smell. A sweater, a scarf, the bottle of perfume on the dresser, the tin his tobacco came in.
• Something in their handwriting. A grocery list, a birthday card, a recipe card, the last year of her planner.
• Whatever was in their pockets. Keys, reading glasses, a wallet gone soft at the corners, a watch, a lighter.
• Something with sound in it. A flash drive holding the voicemail you saved, the CD that lived in the car, the words to the song he always played too loud.
• Something from the funeral. The program from the service, a dried flower from the arrangement, the cards people sent you afterwards.
• Something from you. A letter you write now, to him or to her. It can stay folded.

Then the hardest part: what stays out. A memory box has a lid, and the lid has to close. If everything goes in, it becomes storage rather than a box. From clothes you can't give away but can't keep either, you're allowed to cut one piece of fabric — a sleeve, a pocket, the collar. That counts just as much as the whole shirt.

Which box should you use?

For the first few weeks a shoebox is fine; nobody looks back years later and thinks about the cardboard. If you want something that lasts, use a wooden box or a solid cardboard box with a lift-off lid. A lift-off lid opens more easily than a hinge, and you can use it as a tray while you empty the box out.

• Pick a size you can lift into your lap. Big boxes stay where they are.
• Keep it somewhere you can reach, but not necessarily in view. The back of a closet isn't neglect.
• The attic and the basement are the two worst places: too hot, too damp, too much swing between seasons.

Keeping it intact ten years from now

Most of what goes in a box like this is more fragile than it looks. A few small things now will buy you years.

• Fold textiles loosely into clean cotton or acid-free tissue, not a plastic bag. Plastic traps moisture against the fibres.
• Receipts and newspaper clippings yellow, and they stain whatever is lying next to them. Photograph or copy them and keep the copy alongside.
• Take out paper clips, staples and rubber bands. They rust, or they melt onto the paper.
• Expect the smell to fade. It's the first thing to go, and almost nobody is warned about that. If there's one sweater that is the sweater, keep it apart in a cotton pillowcase and otherwise leave it alone.
• A flash drive won't last forever. Put those recordings somewhere else as well, and write on the label what's on it.

Write down why each thing is in there

This is the part people skip and miss later. Fifteen years from now you'll still know exactly why that set of keys is in the box. Your daughter won't. Without words, a memory box eventually becomes a box of unexplained objects.

It doesn't have to be beautiful. A strip of paper reading "garage keys — he lost them every single morning" does the whole job. Fold it around the object, or keep a small notebook at the bottom of the box where you write down what you put in and on what day. If you want somewhere to start, these questions to remember someone by work well read out loud with family in the room.

Memory box or memory book?

A box holds the things. A book holds what you have to say about them: how his voice sounded, what she always called out when you walked in, the story behind the photo that the photo itself doesn't show. They do different work, and most people end up with both.

When you notice you want to write more about an object than fits on a strip of paper, that's where the crossover is. We made a memory book with eighty gentle writing prompts about someone you've lost, arranged in nine chapters. It can sit on the shelf beside the box, or go in with everything else. If you'd rather build one yourself, there's a longer guide on how to make a memory book for someone you lost.

A memory box for a child

For parents whose child has died, the box is often the first thing there is — sometimes started in the hospital. What goes in is small and very specific: the band from his wrist, the hat, the footprints, the ultrasound picture, the one outfit he wore. For a child who grew older it's the drawings, the stuffed animal, the T-shirt that went everywhere.

There's no right size here. Some parents keep it to one box, others fill a whole closet, and both are all right. It isn't an inventory that has to be finished. It's a place to keep what was his, or hers.

When should you start?

When your hands ask for it. Some people begin in the first week, because sorting through things is the only thing there is to do. Others get to it after three years, when the house has long been emptied and one bag is still sitting in the attic. Neither one is too early or too late.

If today isn't the day, you can set out one empty box and throw nothing away for now. Then you don't have to choose anything today, and nothing has to be gone for good later.

Frequently asked questions

How big should a memory box be?

Big enough to lift into your lap with two hands, and no bigger. Roughly the size of a large shoebox works for most people. Any roomier and things start going in that don't really belong there.

Can you make a memory box for a pet?

Yes, and it's less different from one for a person than people expect. The collar, the name tag, a lock of fur, the toy that always ended up under the couch, a paw print if you have one. Losing an animal is real grief, and that box doesn't have to justify itself to anyone. There's more on that in what the Rainbow Bridge means after losing a pet.

How long does the smell stay in clothing?

Less time than you hope, and there's no fixed answer. Washing takes it out in one go, so don't wash the piece you're keeping for this. Store it in cotton rather than plastic, and otherwise leave it undisturbed.

What if several people in the family want the same things?

Make more than one box. A single box that four people have to share turns into a conversation about belongings that nobody wants to have. Photograph everything first, so everyone keeps everything, and then take turns choosing what goes home with whom.

Can you take things out again later?

Yes. A memory box isn't a contract. What went in can come out, what you find next spring can go in, and an object you'd rather wear or keep on the shelf belongs there instead. The box just changes along with you.